On My Own
by Becki
Summary: Sara is thinking of Grissom in her day dreams. I've redone some parts and changed the quote so that it's Matthew Arnold and not Lord Byron as i first would be very welcome.


On My Own  
  
By Becki.  
  
Summary: Sara is thinking of Grissom.  
  
Comments: Just something short that I thought of when I watched part of Les Miserables. The song is On My Own from there. I've marked the verses with so you know where they are. Comments would be very welcome!! Set near the beginning of the first series.  
  
Disclaimer: CSI characters aren't mine. The situation is.  
  
  
  
And now I'm all alone again, no where to turn no-one to go to,  
  
Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to,  
  
And now the night is near,  
  
Now I can make believe he's here.   
  
Sara slumped down onto the couch in the break room, exhausted. It was just about dinner time and they'd been working overtime to finish off a particularly bad case involving a serial killer who liked to kill couples and leave them in strange poses. It had been a very stressful two days as they tried to solve the case before there were anymore victims, and she felt like she'd hardly slept, and what made it worse was that they were expected to work that night, which only gave them a few hours of personal time. And she knew she wasn't going to be able to sleep. Her adrenaline was still pumping from solving the case and she really did feel like King Kong on cocaine as Catherine liked to put it.  
  
She sighed and leaned back, resting her head and closing her eyes. Maybe she could just lay there and let her thoughts drift...how long had it been? Not even 10 minutes, 10 minutes since she'd last thought of him. He'd been leaning over her as she typed in the search and she could feel his breath on her neck, his presence making her head spin like a whirlpool. There was just something about him. From his intelligent blue/green eyes, to his casual clothing, to the way he just held himself.  
  
She took a deep breath and imagined that he was sitting next to her, caressing her cheek, playing with her hair. She sank down into the depths of her imagination...and drifted in him.  
  
"Hey Sara, there you are!"  
  
She jolted up, out of her daydream as Nick entered the room followed by Catherine, Warrick...and him. She stands up trying not to blush as she smiles and glances at Grissom, who for once was smiling back like a school kid who's been given the sweety jar. He was also on a high from the finishing the case.  
  
"We're all going for dinner at the Hotel Rio...you're coming right?"  
  
Sara hesitated. She really just wanted to be alone now, she needed time to dream - she'd gone two days without having time to herself.  
  
"Uh...well..."  
  
She starts to shake her head, trying to come up with a good excuse.  
  
"You have to come, you've earned it. Besides you don't have to pay."  
  
Grissom put his hand on her back and gently lead her to the door.  
  
"Come on, we're all going."  
  
A shiver ran down her spine at his touch and it made her shiver inwardly as well, she reconsidered.  
  
"Okay."  
  
She gave in. It wasn't often that Grissom joined them for meals, only usually after a bad case, like this one. You never know, maybe she'd pluck up the courage to ask him to dinner sometime, just the two of them.  
  
*Huh, yeah, in your dreams!*  
  
A voice in her head spoke. She followed him down the corridor, ignoring the voice, the others following her, chatting eagerly.  
  
*Man, he's got a nice butt!*  
  
Sara's eyes widen at the little voice.  
  
**Shut up, would you?!**  
  
*Why? It's true, and you agree with me, you know you do.*  
  
**So what if I do? I can't. He's my boss. So go away!**  
  
She said firmly and pushed the voice to the back of her mind.  
  
**********  
  
Sara sat back and let the waiter take away her empty plate. She hadn't had Chilean Sea Bass in a while. It was one of those meals that you could only have once in a while and it tasted fantastic!!  
  
"Now that, was good."  
  
Nick commented. The others agreed and started discussing amongst themselves. Sara sat back and watched while Nick and Warrick placed bets on who could grab the attention of the gorgeous waitress first, while Grissom and Catherine conferred about what to have for dessert. It had been like this for the past hour. Nick talking to Warrick, Catherine talking to Grissom. Sometimes they'd all talk together and Sara would join in, but most of the time she just sat silently, watching Grissom have in-depth conversations with them. Sometimes he'd get her to join in by asking her opinion, and she was happy to answer because it was him, but she still felt as if she was sitting alone.  
  
She'd never felt a part of the Team. In fact she'd never really felt at home anywhere, she'd never managed to find where she was most comfortable. All she knew was that she liked where she was right now, she didn't want to leave, but she still didn't belong yet. She was the newcomer, the baby of the group and she didn't like it. Grissom and Catherine were like the parents as they were the most experienced, Nick and Warrick were the older brothers and she was the baby because she was the last to join, even though she was just as experienced as Nick and Warrick.  
  
"You coming, Sara?"  
  
She jolted out of her thoughts once again and looked up to see the others all standing.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We're going to the dessert trolley to pick what we want, come on."  
  
Nick said moving away with Grissom and Warrick.  
  
"You okay, Sara?" Catherine asked. "You seem a little distant."  
  
"I'm fine, just tired I guess. I'll be over in a second."  
  
"If you're sure."  
  
Catherine said, the concern still on her face, and she moved to join the others. Sara sat, watching them. Catherine joined Grissom and Sara watched as he placed a hand on her shoulder, looking over her at the dessert trolley. Sara felt a small pang of jealousy, but shook it away quickly. She knew that Grissom and Catherine had a close friendship - she'd known Grissom for nearly 10 years. Sara had only known him for a couple. He was still a mystery to her. She sighed and made the decision to leave. She needed to think, to be really alone, to clear her mind and not be surrounded by him like this.  
  
She stood and grabbed her bag from the floor. She was just pulling her coat off the back of her chair when Warrick came over with his dessert. The others were still deciding.  
  
"Hey Sara, where you going?"  
  
"I'm going back to CSI, see if I can get some sleep in the break room before I fall asleep here!"  
  
"What about dessert?"  
  
"Nah, I'm full, that dinner was too filling. Tell the others I'll see them later will you."  
  
"You want a lift back?"  
  
He said, placing his bowl on the table. They'd all come in the same SUV so hers was back at the CSI.  
  
"No, it's okay. I'll walk. It's a nice night and it's not that far. Enjoy your dessert. I'll see you later."  
  
And with that she was gone.  
  
Grissom realised that Sara hadn't come to get a dessert and turned to see where she was, just as she was walking towards the door. He frowned.  
  
"Hey, where's Sara going?"  
  
He asked Catherine. Catherine looked in the direction he was frowning to see Sara leave.  
  
"I don't know. She said that she'd be over in a moment. She did mention that she was tired though, maybe she's gone to grab a couple hours kip before we have to be back."  
  
"Maybe..."  
  
He picked his dessert and they headed back to the table where Nick had joined Warrick.  
  
"Is it just me or has she been quiet all night?"  
  
Grissom asked as they moved to sit down.  
  
"No, it's not you. I noticed it too."  
  
"Me too."  
  
Warrick said, knowing they were talking about Sara.  
  
"Maybe someone should talk to her, see if she's okay."  
  
Grissom said.  
  
"Why don't you?"  
  
Catherine questioned.  
  
"Me?!"  
  
"You're the boss, besides, you've known her longer than we have."  
  
Grissom's eyebrows raised in a confused, almost worried expression as he wondered what he could say to her.  
  
**********  
  
Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping,  
  
I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping,  
  
The city goes to bed,  
  
And I can live inside my head.   
  
Walking down the pavement she looked up to see the stars just appearing as the light was fading to the dark, and she sighed. Somehow he always managed to get inside her head, play with her mind. What were the lines of that song? 'I feel your lips, your fingertips, get inside, play with my mind, I feel myself begin to melt, don't look at me, don't stop.' It was like she had this whole world in her minds that only she knew about and only she could control it. It was her own world where she made whatever she wanted to happen, happen. It was her imagination that controlled it, her wildest desires played out for her pleasure, whatever she wanted.  
  
Her main fantasy? Gil Grissom...  
  
On my own, pretending he's beside me,  
  
All alone, I walk with him till morning,  
  
Without him, I feel his arms around me,  
  
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me.   
  
A hand clasped hers, as it swayed beside her and she looked down to see fingers entwined with one another as if he'd never been anywhere else, he belonged. She smiled as she looked up to see his soft blue hues, smiling back at her. They walked side by side, footsteps in time with each other, just like the beating of their hearts...as one. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.  
  
They stopped by the Bellagio Hotel in front of the lake and he stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She held onto him and leaned back into him feeling secure and content. She'd always felt comfortable when she was with him. And she knew that he would always be there for her.  
  
A car horn beeped, shoving her back into reality and she looked around to see that she was alone, staring out as the water gushed up into the air from the lake in magnificent torrents of ice coldness. She closed her eyes...and his arms were back.  
  
In the rain the pavement shines like silver,  
  
All the lights are misty in the river,  
  
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight,  
  
And all I see is him and me forever and forever.   
  
Water from the fountain sprayed across the pavement making it shimmer in the lights from the surrounding buildings. Lights rippled out over the lake, not quite there, but hazy enough to see it, and she could see the stars vaguely beyond the lights as they shone down upon her, making her feel whole in his arms. They were standing alone - no-one else was there just the two of them. She turned into him and he leaned over and planted a kiss on her soft lips.  
  
**Please don't let this moment end...ever...**  
  
She thought to herself . The kiss became more urgent and he pulled her closer to him, their tongues entwining. They would be together forever...in this reality. (1) He was washing over her and she could feel herself melting into him as she got caught up in the tough, the slow and steady rush - how it was meant to be...a fantasy. (1)  
  
And I know it's only in my mind,  
  
That I'm talking to myself and not to him,  
  
And although I know that he is blind,  
  
Still I say there's a way for us.   
  
Because it was just a fantasy. She knew that. But it was still mesmerising to imagine what life could be like. If she didn't have her own fantasy's she could never work with him, she knew. She needed to have her own world with him, so she didn't need the real him in the real world.  
  
But it was still nice to imagine their life together. Their wedding day...him looking so gorgeous in his tux and her a shining diamond in a white dress with silver trim, just what she wanted...and their kids...and their home...so perfect.  
  
I love him, but when the night is over,  
  
He's gone, the rivers just a river,  
  
Without him, the world around me changes,  
  
The trees are bare and everywhere, the street are full of strangers.   
  
She heard a distant clock chiming that she only had an hour before her shift began and she opened her eyes to see that she was standing alone, by the lake. The ground was wet with spray, the lights were shimmering bleakly in the water. She looked up, but couldn't make out any stars beyond the city lights, they were too bright. She looked around and found herself surrounded by strangers looking at the sights, and she sighed. Another day, another destiny, another dream that has to end, because it's not real. She looked down and brushed away the tears sliding silently down her face, and began walking back to the lab, feeling better that she did earlier, finally letting out the feelings.  
  
She knew that this was how it must be. It was the only way to survive. To have him by herself, and then she could live without him when he was there. What was it that Matthew Arnold had written? "Come to me in my dreams and then By day I shall be well again."  
  
I love him but everyday I'm learning,  
  
All my life I've only been pretending,  
  
Without me, his world will go on turning,  
  
A world that's full of happiness that I have never known.   
  
She entered CSI and wondered down the corridor. Passing Grissom's office she took a breath and looked in. He was sitting behind his desk with his orange-kneed tarantula sitting calmly on his hand, a thoughtful expression on his face. She smiles to herself slightly as she carries on. It doesn't hurt so much anymore to see him, because she's already got him up where it matters for now. They will be always apart, but eternally together.  
  
"Hey Sara!"  
  
She heard him call as he spotted her. She stopped, turned around and went back, entering his office.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
She asked, knowing what the question would be, and knowing that she could handle him and the others on the Team.  
  
"Take a seat."  
  
He said as he carefully placed his spider back. She sat down.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
He asked, straight out. He'd thought long and hard about what to ask her and he figured the direct approach, that was how he liked to handle things.  
  
"Yeah, sure, why?"  
  
"You seemed very quiet earlier, that's all. I just wanted to know if you were okay, and if it was the job getting you down."  
  
"I'm fine really. That case was just...you know and I was tired, I just needed to rest."  
  
He watched her carefully, making sure she was telling the truth.  
  
"Are you sure? You are liking it here, right? Cos I'd hate to lose a good CSI through burnout."  
  
"I love it here, and I'm not going to overwork. Honest."  
  
He paused, nodding, then remembered something else he wanted to ask her.  
  
"Where did you go, tonight anyway? I thought you were coming back here to rest but you weren't here when we got back."  
  
Sara paused for a moment, smiling mysteriously.  
  
"Have you ever heard the quote 'Come to me in my dreams and then By day I shall be well again'?"  
  
"'For then the night will more than pay, The hopeless longing of the day.' Matthew Arnold?"  
  
He asked confused, his forehead wrinkled. She nodded, still smiling. Then she stood and turned to leave.  
  
"Better get to work. It's a whole new night."  
  
She exited his office, leaving him sitting there, puzzling over the quote.  
  
"Come to me in my dreams and then By day I shall be well again?"  
  
He questioned quietly to himself.  
  
"But who?"  
  
  
  
I love him, I love him, I love him,  
  
But only on my own.   
  
  
  
Well? Comments?  
  
Just a short note - the song words in the middle were from the song Naked by Louise. The part between the (1) is also a variation of the chorus of Breathe by Faith Hill. The actual chorus goes - 'I can feel you breathe, it's washing over me, suddenly I'm melting into you. There's nothing left to prove, baby all we need is just to be, caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush, baby isn't that the way that love should be.' I love that song! 


End file.
